Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.