Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
man: wait
time: no
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Got ya covered
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
And that about sums it up.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
