Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left

If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.

How often do you think they wash the Muppets?

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving

Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play