Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.