Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.

I can’t be the only one 😂

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that

*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.

ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.

You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.

The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.

4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt

me: same

4yo: *blows whistle again*

“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”

New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?

Y’all wanna hear something funny?

Lol me too

Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

Me: [fails Captcha test]

Captcha: haha goptcha

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler

This is hilarious….