Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
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Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
the last thing a carrot sees
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.