Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
You Might Also Like
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
eating my hot dog hamburger style
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now