Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
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Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.