Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
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So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
tis the season
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
look scared
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that