Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists

They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Watching Home Alone with my 8 year old twins.

One of them is cackling like a hyena every time a paint can smashes the face of the would be burglars.

The other is sitting with a concerned look on his face saying things like “well that doesn’t seem safe”

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

[ first day in retail]

me: can i help you find something

customer: im just window shopping

me: we don’t sell those

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.

🙅🏻

Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.

ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?

Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

You better watch out

“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”

“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”

[from outside]

“…hakuna banana.”

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?