Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

the duality of man

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight

Throws bra on the floor

I feel much better

Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British

My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.

I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes

Legos on the floor by her side of the bed

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.

No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.