Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
A roof is a house hat.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
