Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
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Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
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In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”