Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
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Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.