Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.

[Shark Tank]

INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?

ME: Yep

INVESTOR: And you call it the-

ME: The Bracho, yes

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.

My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week

Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*

Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to

[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.

Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.

He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.

Me: I need to get something off my chest

Him: Here’s a towel