Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
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soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Did my cat write this
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue