Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do