Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[getting up to speak at a funeral even though I didn’t know the person that well but I want to show off my new shirt] sometimes your mail man is more than just a mail man
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
ugh not again
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]