Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
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Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
{meeting a beautiful woman who is actually into me} This looks like a job for The Fumbler
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome