Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”

“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”

I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

Toddler: we watch peed her pants

Me: you peed your pants?

Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS

Me: who peed her pants!?

Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!

Me: Peter Pan?

Toddler: ya peed her pants

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans

“Deal.” — Mother Nature

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I wish you could comment on Zillow.

Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”

The comment section would be very entertaining

Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?

Me: my student loans

Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”

Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.

The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy

Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*

Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns

I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.