Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

Five-word horror story:

“I’m going that way too”

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken- what

Me: what

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.

Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”

grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them

I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

[MasterChef]

GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish

ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.

Never be a pizza!

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

*Negative people trying to ruin my mood

*Me