Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how to have fun when you’re poor

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?

Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there

Cop:….

Me:..

Cop: sir, your tailamp is out

Me:…

💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music

Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat

Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.

[At drive through]

GUY: would you like a drink holder?

ME: ya sure

[driving home]

ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?

GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?

I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

thanksgiving should be called feaster

DOCTOR: you have leprosy

ME: *lmao*