Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Tried biscuits in gravy. Not sure why Americans rave about it.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Sorted
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What