Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
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The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.