Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?

(Auditioning to be a bird)

*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*

DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.

Thank Satan it’s Monday.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

WIFE: I’m pregnant

ME: oh god no

WIFE: I’m kidding

ME: I heard you the first time

So many people to disappoint, so little time

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

5: How come we never do anything fun?

Me: We went to an amusement park..

5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago

Me: It was yesterday

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.

A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.

“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”

Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?

Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me

me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—

snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*

me: I should go to sleep

my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.

my heart: everyone is mad at you.

my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Don’t come back here with your bullshit.

Me, coming back with my bullshit:

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.