Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

Very good! 👍😂

Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?

Me: No, it’s for me.

Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
…
…
…
…
…
…
2015: Taco Emoji!

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*

Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

carolers: *knock on door*

(Simon Cowell answers the door)

carolers: *gulp*

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?

13-year-old: Not that I remember.

Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?

13: I’d rather not.