Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
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amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
estão todos miauvindo?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.