Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
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ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
The first one, obviously
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Bear knowledge
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.