Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
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Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
If our tax money went towards funding healthy fried chicken research, I think we’d all be a little more understanding.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
The photographer’s assistant
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
another case of gang violins
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.