Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*

There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.

what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

all toddlers look the same when telling a story

One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.

Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.