Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Leaving for work]

*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*

Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;

And the way I did it.

It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

Have you ever taken a nap so good you think you’ve missed the school bus but it’s Sunday and you’re 56

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus

Ooo! The morning weather girl…

Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.

I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…

– Adam Sandler being handed a script

[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”

I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.