once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
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*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.