Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman

*whistling*

Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?

Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.

Husband: But It’s real blood.

Me: *continues whistling*

U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Tree:

Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house

Tree: oh no

Tree Doctor: you have humans

My trophies are a result of:

80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

[meeting at amc network]

“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.