Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
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Perfect.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Someone just threatened to call me later
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Guilty! 🤪
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
FINE, I WON’T.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”