Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
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rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.