Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*changing sex positions*
ok now let’s do a silly one
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”