Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
oh you like nyc? name every rat
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Become ungovernable.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.