Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Charlie, I want a divorce.”

[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?

God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones

Me: I was told there would be sleep

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

If you know, you know

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking

‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’

eye doctor: your results aren’t good

me: can I see them

eye doctor: probably not

I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

gas pump: see attendant

me: looks like i no longer need gas

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: solving equations

professor 3: wow

if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..

But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..