Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.

It’ll teach them to share, we said.

We are idiots.

Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.

99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.

Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.

Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.

Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.

If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night

I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.

It’s literally my first instinct.

My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.

shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?

There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.