Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.

THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog

ME: Ok

[next week]

THERAPIST: Well?

ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog

Life hack:

Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it

Me: *slowly opens pizza box*

Alien: dude

Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.

Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.

Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.

My favorite part about wearing a romper is getting completely naked in public restrooms.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes