Once again in Alien Covenant we are leaning over the Alien egg……..
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
taking June’s advice to heart
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Follow your dreams. Hire a detective to track them down and confront them in a motel parking lot.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*