Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Not now pee, I’m sleeping.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative

genius

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it

I don’t want to admit how long this entertained the cat as well as us 🤣🤣🤣

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life

Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.

Cha-ching is my safe word

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

here is what. i plan to accomplish today:

2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.