Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
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I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
An odd boast
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded