Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here