Once again not all heroes wear capes
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will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
dads on road-trips be like
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
