Once again not all heroes wear capes
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Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
When someone trying to leave me
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
What if all the cashiers are married?
