Once again not all heroes wear capes
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“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no