Once again not all heroes wear capes
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My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.