Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
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“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Why I divorced her.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right