Once again, overheard my 13yo tell someone that I was born in the 1900s.

Now I want to hide under the covers and stab all her teddy bears.

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5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.


M: what’s this about, 007?

James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am

M: are you sure?

JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him

M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?

pigeon: coo

M: my god man, you’re right!


Me: *covers foot with blanket*

Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*

Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin


*Gets pulled over by cop*



*Cop removes glasses*


*Both start successful trap house*


Im sorry, but you only have two weeks to live

*slides the doctor a five dollar bill*

Ooooh make that 3 weeks buddy

*winks at loved ones*


Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.


Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.


My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…

She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.


“I can’t please everybody.”

“You’re not pleasing anybody.”

“So you agree with me.”


My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house