Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
それは草
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are