Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
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First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
making my dog give me my pills
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.