Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”

-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.

[space launch]

ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem

ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned

ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?