Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations

everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture

1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

*pronounces woah like Noah*

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away

A bird: you’ve got me there

Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is

A bird: pardon

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.

Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.

ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters