once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
You Might Also Like
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My daughter just asked me if you can pick up a baby by the scruff of its neck and I guess I won’t ever be a grandmother. Not for long, anyway.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.