Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
his wife is probably gonna see that
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.