Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Me: “I wanna fit into my old clothes again”
Google: “Eat differently”
Me: “No, not like that”
Google: “Exercise more”
Me: “Not like that”
Google: “Leave me alone then”
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
I’m not average. I’m mean.