Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
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1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.