Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
You Might Also Like
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
grandparents are too precious for this world
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I am never leaving this website
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
I’m Sold!
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Wikigenius
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.