Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
I bought some coconut shampoo today.
I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep