once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I’d love this…lol
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Cleaning out the fridge and doing dishes is cathartic. It is a perfect time to reflect and plot your revenge on every single person that has ever wronged you.
