Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
You Might Also Like
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
consequences, the bane of my existence
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.