Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
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Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies