Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
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My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant