“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors