“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
You Might Also Like
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear