Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”

Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”

“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.

[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.

White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.

Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.