Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool

If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.

me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.

Me, meeting anyone from instagram.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

(at a party)

them: truth or dare.

me: dare.

them: go home.

Onion rings.

I pick up the onion. “Hello?”

I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.

“No, babe. It’s an onion.”

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?

Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other