Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
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I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you