Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
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sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.