Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.