once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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your honor my client chooses dare
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.