once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Message from the dog groomers
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system