once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
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You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
It’s the ORDER of mankind’s accomplishments that fascinate me. In 1969, we put men on the moon. In 1970, we put wheels on luggage.
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.