Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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my pug got a pup cup today from the starbucks drive thru while safely strapped into his car seat just like his wolf ancestors
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
energy cannot be created nor destroyed
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.