Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
🤣😂🤣
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
My kids are smart but sometimes they say dumb stuff like, “Mom why do you always buy the candy pack with Snickers when you’re the only one who likes them?”
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP