Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
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DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
Me: The 100th day of school is coming up so you have to dress like you’re 100.
Daughter: Ok. Do you mind if I borrow something?
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST
4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.