Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
They’re the worst 😩
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.