Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.