Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.